Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
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