honey bunches of taint.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
