i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
