can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Randomize
