turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize