Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
She's the barista slut.
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
