can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Randomize
