rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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