the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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