I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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