just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
The chlamydia really affected his face.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Randomize
