Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
i love accidental penises.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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