We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
