did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Randomize