sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
