I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
