It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
