I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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