last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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