oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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