I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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