I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
