Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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