before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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