My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
