White coat. Heels.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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