just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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