a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
