How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Randomize
