Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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