You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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