I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
