Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
We need to get me chipped asap
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
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