Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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