pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I will pee on everything he values.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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