i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Randomize
