not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
