the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
