found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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