new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Im part way to drunk.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
