I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Randomize
