I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
