WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
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