I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
