Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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