Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
i came on her dog
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Randomize
