I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
