There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
