I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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