Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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