my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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