All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
