chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
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