so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
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