apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
