My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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