I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
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