Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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